I've have always always always walked in that mentality. I know where it stems from and I won't be writing it on this blog today, but I wanted to share where I'm at right now with God about this issue. Maybe it'll bring some clarity to someone else, plus writing in here helps me process my issues better.
I will confess to feeling like I don't deserve things in life, I can't earn it, I can't work hard for it and in the end I'll just go on with my life looking all humble...yeah right. That is not being humble--it was a great facade though!
Little did I know that God would smack me in the brain the other night while driving home from work lamenting about a stupid comment I had made to my boss. Although I made thing right straight away after I made my stupid comment, I still continued to beat myself up about it the whole way home.
God stopped my thoughts and said, "When you are going to stop thinking you don't deserve anything?" It went further, "When will you stop thinking you don't deserve forgiveness from not only man, but me as well."
I stopped beating myself up after that and was pretty much dumbstruck.
He's right of course, he is God. But in reality I have lived my life not accepting people's forgiveness towards me and instead avoiding people in the process. Not to mention doing the same with God.
My mistakes would also make me believe that I don't deserve to go further in life, ministry, work, school, etc. Somehow after I would "mess up" aka: SIN, I would just go into the thinking I now don't deserve to go any further with that person/place/thing/whatever.
Is this making sense?!
Is this making sense?!
I have treated the ministry like that for too long. I have gone on believing for years that I can't serve in the church because of my Mistakes (cause they kept on happening!! It wasn't just ONE instance). So I allowed my thoughts to stunt my growth in God.
Sin does that people you know?
We think that because we made a mistake that it means we can't pass Go now and instead stay in Jail. Like monopoly.
Which obviously is a big lie from the pit of hell.
But a pit I tend to fall into at times over this same issue.
So I'm doing the same thing with work now. Finding fault in the smallest things and assuming that because I made a mistake or a wrong comment it means I can't get promoted. Such a defeatist mentality you know? I won't get very far with that 'tude!!
Now that I realize my mistake I hope that God can work thru me to let this stuff go and stop berating myself over the smallest thing. Because I think he could use me A LOT more if I stopped thinking this way and allowing myself to continue down a road of despair.
Thanks God for bringing this to light. I know that now I need to take responsibility for working thru this with you instead of ignoring it.
Here's to 2008 people! Already big changes in the life of Marcie!!! Hope yours is going well too!
1 comment:
I think that an "I don't deserve it" mentality runs along the same line of, "I am not blessable" mentality. I had that mentality for a long time....and some great people in my life would continuously tell me, "Blessings (big blessings) can happen to you just as much as the next person." I would agree, and then say BUT...
Finally one person said, NO MORE BUTS...God can bless you tremendously if you let him. I did...and I think you have an inkling of those blessings in my life the last few years.
Finances, car, trips, etc...etc...
Would I have all that if I still had the I'm not blessable mentality? Maybe! Maybe in a different format. Maybe not so blessed. Maybe not! Who knows!
So ultimately what I'm trying to say? Good for God slapping you upside the head! You are a child of God who deserves EVERYTHING. Aren't you excited to see what he is going to bring your way?
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