I thought it was over...But Read this!

Ok so things were NOT good after what I had thought was a great revelating letter penned by God. Apparantly I was a bit confused about that one! (I still think personally it was a great letter)

Anyway I got my my attitude all in a bunch because I got a letter back from neighbor lady & it wasn't what I had expected. It was a book about being a parent. With an extra note about how I keep going out of my way to say I have no interest in being her friend.

The whole book thing felt like a slap in the face. Here in my letter I felt like I was exposing a part of myself by saying I have doubted my parenting skills time & time again & then getting that. I felt really hurt & MAD. With a capital M. Needless to say my whole attitude about forgiveness went OUT THE WINDOW & I ripped the whole situation off the altar....
Yeah, I'll confess I flew off the handle & it didnt' help that we kept running into them in stores, the park, you name it there she was.
God was getting all up in my Grill!!!!
I was so upset & getting myself into a tizzy that God wasn't about to have a part of that! So He wrestled with me on Thursday (technically Friday morning!) night and brought me to my knees & I had one of those "snot all over the place, begging for forgiveness" type of moments with God.
God is really cleaning my house these days & there is NO corner He's leaving undone!

(I'm getting to the good part, I swear, just keep reading!)

Then on Friday I went to Wild Waves & meet up with The Kay family to hang out there. (HI KAY FAMILY!!) And crazy thing happened when Noah & I left. I ran into a gal from a church we used to go to and God reminded me I treated her just like how I'm treating neighbor lady.
And she actually started talking to me....
And God gently reminded me that I left people hurting in my wake.
Ouch.
God is so gentle & full of mercy... and I felt like I was forgiven right there.

(Here comes the good part don't give up, I'm setting you up so this timeline makes sense!!)

So, we ran into neighbor lady at Wal*Mart & she couldn't even look at me, but was ALL smile for James & Noah.
I was not happy and I even went so far as to plaster fake smile on my face! (I know, I know)
So I griped and moaned about it until James put me in my place & then I pouted for the rest of the night. This is all after going to church & crying because I didn't go up for the alter call for people who might be feeling unworthy. So instead like a baby I sat in my seat & cried because I felt really unworthy right then & there & I should have been up there.
Let me tell you people, our church does not do alter calls like this often so I need to take advantage of it when it happens you know!?

Today I went to a church meeting to find out about church that spun off from PFC and some things it is going thru. And I was blown away at the people there. Just normal Joes like me & you that were full of so much revelation. What really struck me was that someone asked what can we do to help this church right now? And our associate pastor said to check your own heart & get yourself right first & then you'll be in the best position to help.
I may have interpretated that a little bit in my own way, but I really started thinking about how my life wasn't in a healthy place right now & its pretty hard to help people when you're in the wrong. No matter where the fault lies.

I walked away from that meeting feeling sort of unworthy.
Knowing my "house" was a mess & I don't have a clean heart right now to help those hurting & I needed to start cleaning house. And that is in a broad spectrum I'm referring too, not just those discussed in the meeting.

So I came home & said to James, "we're finishing this bad boy." Talking about "having it out with neighbor lady." So that I can start with cleaning house right then & there.
Might as well start with that Giant Plank thats in my eye anyway right?! :)

(Ok this is the good part so you can't give up on me now. Promise there is DRAMA!!)

So we showed up on their door step & I was ready to lay my heart out there like I had started in my letter.
It didn't exactly go down like that.
Lets just say neighbor lady was trying to pretty much ignore me & I wasn't taking that very well. It was apparant she wanted me to leave & she did say that once.

I'm not going to lie to you guys because in some small way I feel like I'm held accountable to you all in a VERY extended way.

I was trying I really really was. I was keeping my tone level & using a lot of those "I" statements so I wouldn't go in pointing fingers. But hurt runs deep & I had made that hurt run deep... There were some more mean things said.
What drove me over the edge was a comment said about how I never see my son because all I do is work...
and I LOST IT. Literally.
I ripped the book she gave me in half & told her to F*** off and said she was a B-word. All while chucking that book across the room and trying to run from the room.
Yeah...not my proudest moment. I think I forgot how to put on the skin of Jesus today...

James restrained me & held me down on the couch. To which I melted into a pile of shaking, nerves. All the while I kept telling myself I was a bad person for acting like this & how dare I lose it that badly... James kept telling me how proud he was of me & don't leave or we'll never get things straight.
somewhere in all that madness I hear them (neighbor couple) praying in the corner about not letting the devil in....great now I felt a lot better....like I invited Satan in with my attitude. I felt put off.
So I sat there a crazy mess of ripped up book thinking that now this lady is going to CPS on me for sure now because I just acted like a tasmanian devil!

I continued to apologize (not for my actions about the book thing) but just in general.
And I had a revelation that this must be how Jesus feels when I won't accept His forgiveness.
Wow....

In the end there was a lot of back & forth discussion about how it was this & that, but the core of it was unforgiveness & misperception. Obviously there was a lot of judging going on. And a lot of things I don't agree with about things, but at this point we'll have to agree to disagree.
funny how we both are taught from the same bible, but how very different we see the bible.

I had to explain a lot of things about myself for her to really understand & she finally did admit some fault. I had to hang my heart out on my sleeve, but I stood my ground & stayed. She felt like I was preaching to her... it was more like the other way around. Whenever I tried to explain how I was feeling it was like such a joke at times to her. Which wasn't funny & hard to get thru. she kept trying to hide behind God about a lot of stuff, saying things like "Well we'll just have to let God deal with that." Communication is a big deal to God & it sound all righteous to say that, but I took it as a cop-out & I told her that. Wasn't taken well.

This is someone you have to talk carefully with & why I didn't want to do this in the first place. James said something about her being an introvert (psy-co babble for a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings) and she was like, "don't put labels on me." (Good thing she didn't know what it really means)

And when I called her to the carpet about not knowing our lesbian Neighbors she shut me down about that one. They too have a son Noah's age.
Yet, she feels such a need to know us so personally. Twisted I know. But kinda why we were there.

She told me my letter said things she already knew. I countered that God a lot of times repeats things we've heard A LOT because we didn't get it all the other times.
And she acknowledged that she had never thought of it that way. Interesting...

I will say that I walked out there finally free from the misunderstandings & now that that corner of my heart is clean, I feel totally new. We chatted about regular "stuff." But I don't see us going on family vacations anytime soon!
James & I are such contemporary Christians compared to them. And I don't know if that makes any difference, but I need to know that Jesus laughed & joked about things too. I like to picture Jesus always smiling instead of being hung on a cross & crying. yes there is a place for reverence & respect, but live this life with Joy because it draws people into you. I don't think some of the jokes said at our church would go over well with her. I think she might throw a book & curse us out! Just kidding.

Its so good to let go. At times I felt like I was hanging on that cross with Christ during that talk telling her I'm sorry & please forgive & then not getting thru. But God was there & He did give me words of wisdom to finally break thru to the heart of it all.

Do I think we'll be close?
Probably not.
although neighbor lady is holding out hope that we will.... She said that, not me. Again, funny how we look at the world I guess. I dont' know a lot about the Nazarene Denomination, but I could see it show thru during our talk...
Just interesting.
And I'm not saying I'm better because of what I believe because we all go thru different season's in our walk....and sometimes you just have never been taught it.

See? I told you if you kept reading I would get to some good drama! now aren't you glad to know I cleansed myself on this situation? Finally you won't have to listen to my whiny attitude about neighbor lady!

(Rachel, I'm probably going to do the whole Baptismal thing sometime in the near future. I hope you can experience it with me. (by watching me, not actually doing it! Unless you want too)
I think I need a whole new cleansing! And what better time then now right? No time like the present. )