Real

Last night was one of those dump all your feelings at your husbands feet sort of night. Technically if you don't have a husband, you could insert friend/relative or whoever in that sentence. You know, when you just tell them everything & its such a release to let it all hang out.
Of course I've had many discussions with God in my head, but sometimes being completely honest about what you struggle with someone brings you to a whole new level in life. Even if what you have to say is ugly & real.
Thats always been my thing is to be very real with people. But I can't always be real with myself. Being real means having to be honest & face up to the sides of you that might not be so pretty.

Since I've been going thru a lot of changes with God & growing a lot more in my walk, I came to a place where I sort of ran into a brick wall with needing to have an Isaac Moment.
We all know the story too well about Abraham & Isaac & God wanting Abe to sacrifice Isaac his precious son to him.
For me, I don't know that I've been able to do that with Noah.
And the ironic thing after I professed this last night, Pastor goes & preaches about stewardship & how we are only watching the things God has given us including our children.... Hmm...You think Maybe God was really trying to drive something home to me?! He's good at that!

My relationship with Noah is probably really different then most Mom's have with their kids. I'm in the process of working on that with my counselor, God, at the moment on that!
God really wants me to let go of Noah. He wants me to "sacrifice" Noah to him. And its really hard. I've wasted over seven years now trying to do it all by myself & its caused me a lot of unecessary stress & worry over the years....
But I know I won't be able to fully grow in Christ if I don't let Noah go. As if all my worrying & fussing has really gained me anything!
I'm glad that God "took me to the Mat" about this issue though. It was really eye opening & difficult to swallow all at the same time....

But what it really comes down to is that I want the fullness of God, not just what I will allow Him to touch in my life. I want it all. I'm tired of just drinking the milk & I need the meat! And most of all I want to be a vessel for God to really use me to expand his kingdom. And right now I think God is trying to use to me expand his kingdom in my own home. But it has to start with me.
A lot is going to change from here on out.
Finally professing my deepest feelings out loud was really releasing. No more are my thoughts going to sidetrack me on this subject anymore & if the enemy tries to use it against me--well, now that its out in the open I can pray all the harder about it when it comes to mind!

If I want to be really, really cheesy I might want to include the line from that Carrie Underwood song, " Jesus take the Wheel." But I will not go there!