New Chapter

I think I have a twisted way of looking at life all of a sudden. Not in a bad, way. More like a very thoughtful and "well whatever" sort of way.
Bring it on I suppose!

I'm not sure I'm a huge fan of where this new chapter in our life is going, but I have to grin and bear it. I know God knows better then I do about our future and as much as it pains me to have to go thru another chapter similar to the last chapter......its just how it is.

Now I wonder how our life is going to go from here.
How can we make it?
How are we going to survive?
When I ask myself those questions the amazing answer is always "God." Just simply God. If I don't have anything, at the very least we have God.
Sometimes I feel like these lyrics:
Strong on the outside
But coming apart at the seams
That's me
Tragically always together
But bruised underneath
That's me
I stand just to stumble
I trip on my pride
Why do I always try to hide
(Natalie Grant "Meanwhile back at my heart")

Part of me feels a little like God is pushing me SO FAR out of my comfort zone that I can't do anything but start to dream again. Some of my days are spent lazing around the house moping telling myself that life is only fun if you have money to spend. Such a lie and such a waste.
I have seen a few people who I don't know really well, but I see them off and living their dreams.
So I have to ask myself -- what is my dream now?
And what exactly is stopping me from going out and obtaining that dream?
Is it my house?
Nope. We could lose it in the next few months or until BoA tells us to move out because we are going to stop making payments on it. So really nothing is tying us to here.
Is it my job?
not really. James doesn't have a job anymore and his job just isn't sticking anymore anymore so jobs are not tying us down.
Is it family?
again, not really. Yes because my mom would be crushed if we moved away or something, but no because no one really visits us nor do we visit them. Family hasn't always been a big thing in our lives anyway so aside from our little family of 3 - we are it.

So that's a long way of saying there is nothing standing in the way of becoming that person God truly wants me to be and to stop settling for mediocre. There is a huge part of me telling the part of me that has small visions and glimpses of dreams at times that whispers all those dreams I once had and intended to do.
What I've come to remember about myself is that when I allow it, I'm a really neat person and I have this personality and face that draws people to me. I need to use this to my advantage!! I need to take myself out of ME and start to focus on others.

There are times when I snicker at who people think I am. When I wonder why they put so much stock in me. I have to remind myself day in and day out that I'm a favored women of God and God wants to bless whatever I put my hand to. Its so hard to accept though....

So when I get over my fears which hopefully will be soon because I'm running short on time and short on funds! -- who knows what I can achieve.

Do you know my biggest dream?
To write a book.
I have 2 great plots in my mind that I know are God inspired. I just need to somehow put those ideas and story lines and start writing.
And my fears get in my way.
How lame is that?
Fear is so powerful, yet so powerless. I have allowed it to rule my life for so long. Its time to use my talents God has given me and breathe life into those dreams. After all, reality is our future depends on it.

So here's to the new chapter. A chapter that might be filled with little money, state care, food stamps and not knowing if we'll have a place to live tomorrow - but a chapter that God is saying Jump.