Who I Am

Do you know I've been writing this blog since Aug of 2005?
That's a really long time in blog world. Sure I jumped on the blog wave when it was at its crest and have continued it since its started to fizzle out, but this blog in so many ways has made me be Me.

So I went away this weekend by myself down to Seaside, Or. I've gone there alone before and yes I travel alone. Weird? Nah. I even went so far as to when I was on my trip to the Philippines I would go and explore by myself in the surrounding areas. Not very smart looking back, but I guess in some ways I've fearless like that. Its the ONE area I'm fearless in. Won't be jumping from buildings or anything like that. Don't go crazy now.

I had a lot of time to think about myself this weekend. Too much time really.

The past 4-5 months I've learned a lot about myself and I've come to realize I've changed a lot.
I was talking one day with my co-workers and my boss about Church and it was more of a general conversation but one of my co-workers said, "Kahler. People want to be you."
I didn't know what to say to that.
My initial response was, "No they don't. Not if they really knew me."

So this weekend God brought some of those thoughts I've been struggling with - those thoughts if people knew me they wouldn't want to be me - to the forefront of my mind and made me deal with them. Right off the bat too. I was listening to a Podcast and BAM. yep I had to repent right there in the car before I could go on listening to my sermon.
Glad to get that out of my thought life though.
Pesky little thoughts.

But I got to thinking, do people really want to be me? I mean really? Would like want someone intimated me and my ways? Well, some ways YES! I want people to give and bless and give of their time and so on.
But even I suck at that sometimes. ;)
Being humble is the key here right?!

Last week I was blessed with 2 awards at work and it was really hard for me to take all the accolade and praises from my peers. But at the same time it was the best to be recognized for all my hard work and all that I do on a daily basis. I know I was considered the underdog to even get the awards in the first place, but I hope I came off like Carrie Underwood would when she wins all these awards and all you can think about is how much you STILL like her even though she sweeps all the awards. You just don't care because she's so sweet!!! That's where I hope I was when I won those awards. It was touching for sure..... I won't forget that anytime soon.

But after that award show someone came up to me and said, "That's why you win these awards. Its because of how you respond." He was trying to say I was being humble and I just sort of brush what I do under the rug -- aka: Change subject quickly!!!

I don't know what it is about Me that makes people like me at all. Sometimes I think about how I am at home with my family and am ashamed at that person. That person is not who people think I am. I have to try harder here at home to be that person in both places. I can't be "On" at work and not the same way at home, then I'm just selling my family short on how I can really treat them. Yes, its hard to be "On" all the time, but if that's truly who I am, then why not?

I think I've had enough praise lately though.
I'm afraid the more I get, the more annoyed those around me might get at work. You know how it is, everyones eyes start rolling when yet again the "chosen one" gets another praise report. I don't want it to reach THAT level, but maybe just enough praises to keep me going. ;)