Defeated

beaten or overcome; not victorious; "the defeated enemy"
people who are defeated; "the Romans had no pity for the defeated"
disappointingly unsuccessful; "disappointed expectations and thwarted ambitions"; "their foiled attempt to capture Calais"; "many frustrated poets end as pipe-smoking teachers"; "his best efforts were thwarted"

that is how dictionary.com defines defeated. I believe I'm relating to the "Disappointed expectations and thwarted ambitions" portion of that definition.

I know ya'all are sick about hearing from me concerning my mortgage and trust me I'm sick of it too, but I'm literally feeling a sense of defeat at this point. This could quite possibly be where God wants me right now....Because at this point I'm on my knees begging for an answer or direction.

Nothing really happened with BoA, just that I finally asked them what our payments could end up being and what could happen once it FINALLY goes thru and their response was not favorable. Basically we'd save maybe $250 a month...that's it. That's how long they will end up going. That's not very much. Not to mention they would extend our loan even further then where its at right now (think: those fancy car loans that magically get lower payments but then when you sign on the dotted line you realize its going to be a 7 year car loan. Just like that).

That's a really round about way of saying we are in a place where I need to decide or James needs to settle for any job no matter what the pay. Period.

Honestly part of me just wants to sell his house. But then of course the other part of me is so incredibly grieved by that thought. This is our first real home...its our first house, we were in a condo we bought originally, but this was a our forever home. But it never felt like forever. For some reason when we moved in I always knew it wouldn't be forever....maybe even then over 5 yrs ago God was preparing me for this very day. I don't know.

This situation doesn't define me or make me who I am today though. If we lose our house we lose our house -- that doesn't mean my life is over. Yes my credit score is over, but my life will go on and people do it every day!

Nothing is final right now however, BoA has not finalized or even given us the green light that we are "approved." Things are still moving very slowly. Very slowly.

Like frozen syrup outside in Antarctica sort of slowly.

Dear God please let James get a job interview. Thanks.

That's my prayer. Simple but to the point.

More later Peeps!