Alone

So I tend to want to be alone a lot.

And I am starting to wonder if I use it as some sort of sick excuse to escape being social.

I was thinking back to when I was younger and how I just LIVED to go to a friends house or when I wasn't with them I would want to be alone.

I spent a lot of time alone in my room, alone just me & my TV. Coming out for meals & bathroom breaks. My mom worked Graveyard shifts so during the summer I spent a lot of time alone in my room doing pretty much nothing. When I got my license it was like a ticket to freedom! Freedom to be alone though. I would go drive off and do nothing but drive around alone.

We took a stress quiz at work on Thursday and I scored so low on the stress scale that it said my life was dull and lacked stimulation. Ok, I get stressed. Please, I'm human. If I didn't stress out here and there I wouldn't get work done nor would I BE A HUMAN BEING. Not that the test really was an indicator of anything, but it did get me thinking.

Have I just reached a point in my life where I just don't care anymore about some things? Hmmm..well it could be a good thing really. Having those little worries not worry me anymore is nice.

But do I have little stimulation in my life. My boss asked me if I did a whole lot outside of work and my answer was, "Not really." Well its true. My joys are found in the simple things like finding good deals on something or going to the library. I do DO things outside of work--don't get my wrong, but clearly I must not do much.

It stems I'm sure from my wanting to be alone a lot. I just enjoy solitude and sometimes being in a crowd I still feel alone. It must be my nature lately. On Wednesday at our little small group I wasn't feeling so hot so I went outside to catch some air, but then I stayed out there.

Watching it snow.

Standing in the falling snow just thinking about how I didn't want to go back inside.

Then I wondered if people thought I was outside having a smoke. Nope, not smoking, just breathing.

In and out.

In and out.

I felt like I was having a moment. Moments of pain from my gut but I was able to concentrate on just that one thing which was breathing in and out. Concentrate on the silence around me. Think about how I wanted to kick and throw something for not taking better care of myself that night.

I shouldn't have eaten what I did. I knew I would pay for it and I did. Angry at myself for being such a coward in leaving and not saying good bye. Angry at myself for wanting to be alone. Just looking at the snow.

I know I haven't exactly been Miss Friendly at this small group--in fact, I don't know who I am sometimes. Its like I'm some sort of alternate person. So I choose to be alone and thats what happens---I'm left alone.

I shouldn't accept this as my fate and push thru as I tell myself, but honestly when I was standing out there I wondered who I was and was telling myself to decide on who I wanted to be.

I need to balance my alone times and treasure my times with people.

That way I wont be like that girl in the picture--sitting alone...in a sea of empty seats.

picture courtesy of: http://tinyurl.com/bcy4ck