I don't know exactly what to write about, but just feel the need to start journaling something...
Oh I titled it Emmanuel (Hillsong) because its one of the recent iTunes downloads & I also downloaded, "Let Creation Sing" Hillsong.
Anyway..
I've really been struggling with getting things going on my walk with God though. Sure I can read books about him, but can't seem to get into THE Book! I don't know what my problem is sometimes, its so simple & its not like God is asking me to read the book in a week or something!
But I'm lacking in that area & I'm lacking in fellowship.
I need people, friends!
Friends that really love God.
People that want to get together & talk about God & how their walk is going.
Something along those lines. Which is a tall order really! I guess I'm looking for spiritual friends... Like a bible study of sorts, but more of a fellowship thing.
I just miss having a closeness with people. I used to think my expectations on friendships was too high & that was why I didn't have any friends. Ok, saying I didn't have Any friends is a rude way to put it, I should probably say it more like close friends that hung out with me. But really I held them at an arms length vs. me placing expectations on them. It could have been partly expectations, but I get scared of getting close to anyone because they leave.
A lot of friends I've been close with have left. Left like moved, graduated, went to a new job/church, whatever. Its like when I finally get close to anyone they move on.
That scripture about there is a season for everything feels like my life's song sometimes!
Some of you know that I read a lot. Ok I read A LOT. I can polish off a book sometimes in a day depending on how much time I put behind it. Normally it takes me a couple days to finish it. I read a lot of books on friendships and they usually make me cry because of the closeness these women can share at times. (i.e. the Sisterchick Series)
I sometimes wonder if its really real or just a desire of the authors heart.... As females, we long for the closeness of another friend whom we can share everything with. And I'm No exception to that idea.
Its like when you have friends like that you inspire one another. Inspire each other to keep pressing on or go for more. Just inspire one another!
Instead I sit around feeling pretty dang lonely at times.
Why do you think my blog is so full?!
My blog is an extention of not just who I'm, but what I want to share with people whether its a spiritual need or a what I did today sort of thing. Knowing you guys respond to my entries makes me feel like someone out there is at least semi-curious about my life! But a blog cannot replace the human side of people.
Ok, now I'm being whiny!
Sorry...
But in all honesty, I'm lonely for some spiritual buddies. How I long for people to fill my house & just sit around & talk about how lives are going & about God.
That is probably the majority of my problem though. Why can't I go to others instead of assume they'll come to me?
Its not like I don't have friends. Sure I do. (Melissa if you actually read this whole thing you know that we talk when we can and I'm not for a moment leaving you out or saying we don't have a relationship like this, I just need more people like you in my life!)
But does anyone out there long for friendships that long for spiritual growth?!
I need someone to sharpen my iron if you know where I'm going! I need those accountability partners, I need someone to tell me they struggle too with silly things!
I think I've prayed about this for a long time.... now I think I'm starting to sound like a want ad or something. And maybe in a way I'm. Its like the bible says, if you don't tell people you have a need then how can it ever be answered?
( I really need to be able to quote scriptures from the verse!!)
Does any of this make sense?
Anyone out there feel the same thing?
(ok that is totally a loaded statement)
I'd settle for meeting once a month & then just communicating my email the rest of the month!
(which for some of you that is how we communicate!)
I just want MORE people, never be satisfied right?!
Anyway, I'm done venting now.
So yeah, now that I feel sort of uncomfortable, I'll stop now....
Peace out peps!
1 comment:
I know your hearts cry for deep intimate friendships. You did the right thing by asking....the Bible says to make our requests known...ask and you will receive. I can think of two specific times in my life I asked God for a close girlfriend and He answered me both times! Those type of friendships are so precious and rare, and I feel very blessed to have a few of them in my life. On the practical side, to have the type of friend you want...be that friend first. Does that make sense? Be open, loving, available, giving, caring, fun, real etc...and all that will come back to you. Just start being the kind of friend that you are wanting to have. Often it takes stepping out of our comfort zones and taking risks. Yes, not everyone will love you, some will hurt you, and some will leave (Mary and Karon!). :) Though as painful as their leaving was, I wouldn't trade their friendship for anything and we are still VERY close, we are just not a part of each others daily lives anymore. But, it's OK. God has used that to grow me in ways I never expected. I am also in no way lacking girlfriends, although Mo and Karon are not replacable, God filled that void. First with Himself, and then by strengthing existing friendships and bringing new ones along as well! He works ALL things together for good! :)
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